The Scarvelis Dump

I don’t know about you, but this whole election is really starting to wear me down. All this arguing and confusion and accusing—it’s becoming downright scandalous. Every time I turn on the news, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and hurl the TV set out the window or tear the radio out of my car’s dashboard. I’m beginning to realize that all of this negativity is starting to compromise my sense of peace, balance and well being. Every time I try to step away from this thing, it grabs me by the throat and pulls me right back in. I suppose that’s my own fault, but I can’t help but feel a complete lack of control either way. When I step away, I feel like I’m missing something very, very important. When I engage, If feel like I want to smash and destroy things. Unfortunately, this thing isn’t going to be resolved for more than a month. Realizing this, along with feeling an overwhelming need to once again gain control of my emotions and intellect, I’ve developed eight things each of us, regardless of political stance or affiliation, can do to detach and cope with the current situation, along with the weeks to come.

Splurge: Have your eye on that new iPod or flat-screen TV? Go get it. Hell, get two. Don’t think you can afford it? Trust me, you can. Last week, as an American citizen, you were in debt of $36,667 (that’s one-three hundred-millionth of the national debt). As of today, that number has risen to $40,000 (most recent government bailout just cost you $3,333 )—and that doesn’t even begin to account for the additional 30%+ of your earnings that the government confiscates every two weeks and any other debt you may have racked up! Spend all your cash now, because regardless of the outcome of this election, the government is going to spend or steal everything you’re worth, and more, if at all possible. Might as well spend a little on your self, no?

Dress-Up Your Dog: This will definitely get your mind off the troubles of the world. Regardless of breed, you can release any dog’s inner pit bull by starting with a little lipstick. Choose any shade as color should be irrelevant. On second thought, nix this idea as roughly 50% of you will feel the sudden urge to euthanize your beloved pet with your bare hands. The other 50% of you will experience the sudden delusion that Fido or Fifi is manifestly destined to potentially be the most powerful mammal on the planet.

Visit Each of Your Seven (Give or Take a Few) Houses: Okay, most of us don’t have seven or so houses to visit, but we can all improvise and that will make us feel better. If you’re lucky enough to still be living in a house, chances are you have several rooms to work with. Employ a little imagination and have some fun by transforming each room in your house into the house/location of your dreams. Hang pictures of Malibu in your spare bedroom and when you visit this room pretend you are in your Malibu house. If you’re lucky enough to have a bidet in your master bath, make yourself believe it is the majestic fountain just outside your Paris apartment. Put some tall stools in your dining room to create that Upper East Side Manhattan high-rise Condo feel. Invite all your friends to your various houses to remind them that pretend is the new reality.

Develop New Relationships: Human relationships can be especially rewarding. There are so many people out there so it’s truly amazing when one starts to imagine the possibilities. But stay on the safe side to avoid potential problems, especially if your new relationship is romantic in nature. A good rule of thumb is to make sure your relationship is completely congruent with Judeo-Christian principles, as defined by fundamentalist evangelicals.

Learn A New Language: This becomes more and more important as the world becomes smaller. We truly live in a global economy, and a command of languages other than English has become extremely important, especially for Americans. Although daunting on the surface, learning a new language can be astonishingly easy. For example, a couple of weeks ago I simply opened my quarterly 401K statement and, presto…I was suddenly speaking in tongues!

Lie: Now this is a growing trend we should all take advantage of. If somebody asks you what your name is, say, “Slappy Greenbaum.” Then when they introduce you by that name, loudly accuse them of being a liar and say, “My name is Rumpelstiltskin DeCarlo.” If somebody asks you what your favorite food is, tell them its haggis. If they ever mention haggis, tell them they’re lying and that your favorite food is milkweed. If somebody asks you what you did over the weekend, tell them you went to Portugal on Saturday, then to their mother’s house on Sunday for a lurid tryst. Make sure you weave all your lies together so that they form a fabric so dense, outlandish, contradictory and confusing, it actually becomes reality (it will, I swear).

Get Lost in a Good Book: Reading can be such an escape. Get your hands on a good book and you butt in a comfortable chair, and watch the hours just fly by. Stay on the safe side, though, and make sure the book you’re reading is completely congruent with Judeo-Christian principles, as defined by fundamentalist evangelicals. If you come across a bad book that doesn’t pass the test, burn it. For that matter, if there’s anything you don’t agree with in a book, go ahead and burn it just so it doesn’t mock and offend you ceaselessly from its place on the shelf.

Kill a Forest Creature: Few things are more satisfying than going out into the woods and killing another living creature. For the truly adventurous, try field dressing your kill. And if you’re hungry, you can always cook your animal over an open flame (nice, dry wood and those especially thick, confusing books make excellent fuel for a fire in the woods. Don’t forget to bring your matches!).

Hopefully this has been helpful. I’d like to hear your ideas, though… How are you planning to survive the coming weeks? Please send your comments asap and I’ll publish them!

WEEKEND UPDATE

This past Saturday I got up Late and went to Portugal.

On Sunday, I got up late and went to your mother’s house for a lurid tryst.