The Scarvelis Dump

Boy, am I disgusted. All of a sudden the economy is a disaster. I didn’t do anything wrong, but now I (and you) have to pay for the mistakes, greed and corruption of a whole bunch of other people, many of whom have become immensely wealthy along the way. This sucks. I am grateful, however, that our do-nothing representatives finally got off their keisters and raised a little hell so that our bailout money has at least some accountability attached to it (along with a lot of pork, that is). It’s about time, because that’s about the only thing this government has done over the past decade (other than killing people and squandering every ounce of America’s treasure and good name while China and the Middle East oil producing countries continue to clean our clock).

Unfortunately, complaining isn’t going to help. What’s done is done, and I now realize that its time for me to start looking after “Number One” (I suggest you do the same, because money doesn’t grow on trees and, as my friend’s grandmother says, “Their ain’t no kangaroo shittin’ it out in the basement either!”). As you probably know by now, I like lists. They help me to sort through my ideas and keep things organized in my mind. I’ve developed a list of things I’m going to do in order to tighten my belt so that I weather the coming economic storm moving forward:

I’M GOING TO SHAVE MY HEAD: According to my calculations, I spend exactly $456 annually to maintain the top of my head. That’s all going to change. No more haircuts, tips for my hairdresser or expensive product. I’m going out today and I’m going to buy a pair of $15 electric clippers and I’m going to get rid of my hair. When it starts to grow back, I’m going to cut it off again, and again, and again. You should do the same. Especially the ladies—some of you would save thousands and you would get the added bonus of not having to spend all that time on your precious hair. I might even save up my hair clippings and start sending them to Congress, just to make a point. I bet that would make the news! Imagine Nancy Pelosi or John Boehner on TV with the big bag of human hair they just received in the mail…

I’M GOING TO START EATING LOTS OF BEANS: Beans are cheap and a great source of protein. Luckily, they are also one of my favorite foods. I like just about every kind of bean—pintos and navy and lima and fava—the list goes on and on. I need to find a good recipe for giant beans in tomato and dill sauce, because that’s one of my favorites. Also, bean soup and three bean salad are delicious and nutritious. I suggest you don’t eat beans though, because if you do, demand will begin to exceed supply and the price of beans will skyrocket, which would suck for me (I had the idea first, so don’t wreck it for me).

I’M GOING TO TAKE IN A BOARDER: I have a spare bedroom. Having a boarder might even be fun. I need to make sure I screen really, really well, thought. All I need is an axe murderer or serial rapist living under my roof again.

I’M GOING TO GIVE UP FRESH FOOD: Last week I had this really weird craving for Chef Boyardee ravioli. I bought a big can of it and either they changed the recipe since I was a kid or my tastes have changed dramatically. It really wasn’t that unpleasant, though. Sort of mushy and flavorless. A few of the pieces fell apart, but that used to happen when I was a kid. Tonight I’m having La Choy Chicken Chow Mein (I hope it’s not all watery the way it used to be). No more fresh food—it’s too expensive and I’ve become very spoiled.

I’M GOING TO ENACT THE “ONE POO/TWO PEES” FLUSH RULE AT HOME: If you come over and see pee water in my toilet bowl, don’t judge me. Water, like virtually everything else, costs money, and all that toilet flushing is, well, like flushing money down the toilet. If my new boarder doesn’t like it, well, they don’t have to move in then. I’m very, very strict about my house rules—especially when it comes to the bathroom and the kitchen cabinets.

 I’M GOING TO START KILLING AND/OR FIELD DRESSING MY OWN FOOD: I’ve suddenly come to realize that this might be an important skill for one to have after all. I probably saw seven squirrels on my way into the office this morning. Imagine if I had killed them and field dressed them right there, on the spot. Boy, I’d be going home to quite a feast tonight! And all those already dead animals lining the highways…I could just pull over, do a little field dressing and, voila! Suppertime! I once picked up a Junior League of New Orleans cookbook for a friend who collects Junior League cookbooks. Leafing through it on the plane ride home, I came across a recipe for “Coon Pie.” I love chicken pot pie, so maybe I’d like one made out of raccoon meat (I’m going to call my friend for the recipe after work—I think I saw a dead coon over by the airport parkway this morning…). Maybe I should start eating bugs, too. They’re everywhere–you just have to start thinking of them as livestock, rather than pests.

I’M GOING TO START WEARING RAGGED CLOTHING: This one is a no-brainer. One should look the part. I’m going to take a razor blade to my wardrobe and start carrying a tin cup or something. Maybe I’ll get a little monkey with a fez on his head to sit on my shoulder, who knows? No more posing for me. Me and my sidekick (I’ll name him Elmer) will walk the streets and people will give us money out of pity. Hey, if it’s good enough for Wall Street and the banks, why not me?

 WEEKEND UPDATE

This past Saturday I got up late and went shopping. I bought a pair of Paper Denim & Cloth jeans for $30.00 at Stein Mart (it was their 12 hour sale–the jeans retail for $155!!!!). Then Eran and I went shopping. I got a cool jacket and another pair of jeans. Then we went and had margaritas at El Jalapeno.

On Sunday I got up late and met friend Scott for breakfast at the Original Pancake House. Then we went the Apple store. After that we went to the Coach store and Scott looked for a handbag for his daughter’s birthday, but didn’t get anything. I went home, took a nap and watched TV.